How I came to Write, Why I feel Pain

"I was in a bad place when I wrote: (WHY DO I FEEL PAIN ??)

I've been hurting for weeks from the pain in my body the won't go away.
Worried about how I was going to make ends meet with taking time off work to get well with my health. Then Trying to help my daughter, but feeling like no matter what I did it was never right or good enough to please her.
Then angry at her and everyone else because I've been feeling so used, and dumped when I needed everyone to help me.
Because I hurt everytime I tryed to do any type of work, which in return made me really sad and depressed. Making me feel like like was not a good place anymore, and I felt like I was all alone and no one cared about me unless I had something to give them, was feeling really used and not very wanted by anyone.
In return I have become very depressed and didn't know how to make this sadness go away, so I went to see my doctor to get something help me thru this depression, and started seeing a counslor. That was a very bad day when I wrote this for me, I had just started taking the med.
And it made me very out of it, and rummy to where I was sick and just wanted to sleep feel better. Then as I was dealing with my feeling around my daughter and money problems, something else happened that day to make me feel like life just hurt to bad to breath.
I recieved a couple of e-mails, from the man I was suppose to marry a year ago, telling me in a round about way... The women he met last year after we broke up, even tho he has still been seeing me and talking with me since he's been with her. Infact he was just in my bed a few months back, was getting married next moth to this women. As they were expecting in Jan. of next year, telling me all he had left was his memories of us now.
This has really hurt me bad, as I still was very in love with man even tho I knew he was with someone else. I thought he would come back to me if I just waited, because we had been together for over 4-years and were to of been married at that time in a few months. But because of my fears I broke it off with him, instead of trying to talk out things with him, I expected him know what I wanted him to do to prove my love.
And I lost him to someone his family set him up...And it hurt me, and still does.
I guess I don't understand why I can't let go of him in my mind and heart...The pain is so hard, I feel like I'm dying.
So in my pain ...Yes I wrote this, to help me express to myself what I was doing wrong and what I need to do to fix me.
I was fighting with the pain of my body hurting and the pain in my heart from loosing my one true love, fighting with my feelings about my job, and fighting with my daughter & my soon to be daughter in-law.
I was falling apart quickly and not even my own child could see be-on herself to hold me up and hold me to feell I was needed and loved.
I was falling apart and crying out in pain and know one care or even saw I was in need, and that hurt me some much.
I never understood depression, I don't think anyone does...till you walk in the dark shadows alone.
So I yelled said things I shouldn't of, to people I cared about, than came in and sat down and wrote this, on what I was feeling.
As you will read below in my blog titled:"

Why do I feel Pain ??

"As anger, disappointment, and frustration wander into my mind. Only to finally understand, to my realization that looking to any fearful thought or feeling for a sense of self, is like asking a ghost to show me the way out of a haunted house.

Which brings me face to face with the most difficult question of all...

Why does pain and saddness, always find me..

I ask myself, as if I had no blame to how things turned around in my own life, to cause me this saddness.
But then I tell myself, in one of my self talks I find I need to hear.
If I don't think about my thoughts and feelings, if I don't find a direction from them, then how and from where will I know to take my next step in my life ?I need to learn to let go of the past pains, and sad things that happen. Even if it was a second ago, because it's making me feel sad andworthless.
So I tell myself I need to let GO..
I say within my own thoughts, in order to repair my mentally pain, so that something new can happen for me.
This, I tell myself..
Can only happen for me, when I learn to finally let go of my lost hopes and dreams, I've been hanging on to for so long.
I need to accept it's not there anymore, what I thought I should have or wanted.
That I will no longer be able to go back in time to try and win it back, because something or someone changed that, and I'm no longer a part of that path, it has broke away to start a new path without me.
This new action cannot be un-done by me or anyone else, I'm to late and it's no ones fault.
I need to really take my own insight and look at who is really making me sad, sick, tired of always being angry and tense..
ME, no one else, I am the only one who control what hurts me or makes me happy...Me.
I need to learn and allow my inner thoughts, to prepare me for what I need to see about myself.
In order to set a path to freedom from all frustrations I allow to enter my mind and life..
To begin with.. I need to suck in all the tears, and whatever else I find me doing, at whatever the personal cost is
I need to tell myself I REFUSE !!... to be self-pitying to me, anymore.Then I need to start over, right from the beginning. What-ever that may be, or wherever that may take me.
There is no power on earth that can stop you, if you believe in yourself with this intention and act to make you a better person.Next, instead of falling into despair and sorry for myself over my losses.
I need to deeply look inside my head and heart, to find what it is inside of me, that makes me feel I am not worth very much today.
Or whatever else my thoughts are saying to me, then get busy to learn to stop what I am doing to myself.When I feel hatred towards anyone, or anything. I destroy the one who hates, me.
I need to learn to let go of my resentments, and see all I'm doing is burning myself up with wasted anger that could be put to better purposes, for me.One of the biggest problems I have is getting connected to the behavior of others, which really has nothing to do with them at all, but about me.
I tend to look in the wrong places for love, and people I feel should be in my life.
Then when people betray me, the great pain I experience don't have so much to do with their actions. As it does with what the blow of what they did to my hopes for real love, finally.
The pain of my disappointment, grief, and so on...
Is mostly that of realizing, I have once again been looking for something permanent in the temporary, lane of life.Going through un-happy times, and discoveries will lead me to certain things. That does not mean I have to give up, on love.
But must learn to let what life is trying to teach me, do just that.
Not wanting the lesson won't make it go away. All that really happens is the pain of it will grows worse, and worse, until I really blow up. One day and walk away from the situation.
Only to find out I've really changed nothing, because all along the problem was in my head waiting for me to stop and begin understanding.
The hardest thing for me to do in any time of trouble is, to ask someone to tell me.... The TRUTH, to show me what I need to really see.
But I need to do it anyway, to grow into better person for myself and others!
Because, I do have friends and family who care about me, even if at this time I feel I don't, and they do need me in their life's as I do them. So I do need to change my thinking."

Sexually Satisfied?

"I recently heard about a couple in their eighties who were in counseling for sexual issues. It's a true story!!

He was complaining that his wife wasn't giving him the type of sex he enjoyed.

Sex is such an important part of a relationship between couples. It is something that needs to be kept exciting and satisfying for both partners.

Without sex and having fun in bed, your relationship becomes mundane and business-like.

Sex is the only unique feature of couples designed to bring pleasure and intimacy for a lifetime.

An older women from the northeast. Who was in her sixties and complained that her mate had erectile dysfunction and wasn't meeting her sexual needs. When she confronted him about the problem and asked him to get medical treatment that would have easily cured the problem, his response was, I'm O.K., I'm happy just like we are.... She was devastated.

Obviously her mate was an insensitive and selfish man. I guess he thought his feelings were the only ones that were important.

I like what Dr. Phil says regarding sex. He says, If you don't think sex is important, just ask the person who isn't getting any or not happy and has to use something (pill-form or tools to enjoy sexual pleasure).

The typical scenario of sexual frustration is that of a man who wants more sex than his mate wants to give him.

Women need to understand that their male mates normally need more sex than they do!!

Just as they want their mate to meet their needs in a sacrificial and sensitive manner, they need to do the same for their man in the area of sex.

Generally speaking, men have the need for sex and women have the gift of sex. They need to give that gift generously !!

It's essential if you want to have a good and lasting relationship with this person you are sexual with and want to be with for more then, a few weeks or months.

Because if you don't have this base between the two of you then...

Sooner or later one of you will leave or cheat on the other, this is bad for both sides if one mate wish's they had someone that made them feel alive sexually.

If this is the case with you and your partner, then it's better to break it off...Now!!

Why drag it out in hopes.. Maybe things will get better if you just wait around a bit longer, in hopes your mate will figure out your not happy.

Or if your in a new relationship under six months or so, and things still aren't getting your motor purring in this area without a pill or tool or you fake it pretending you enjoy their company, then they (your partner) probley don't know and think everything is fine between the two of you.

News flash!!

This is as good as it will ever get between the you of two...Sorry!

Why or how come you ask?

Because in the beginning of a new relationship your sexual fires are the hottest, it's all new with this partner. You both should be having sparks running thru your bodies with just a kiss or thoughts of your partner just being close with you.

If you don't have this...Then it's time to be honest with yourself and your partner, before it's to late and you both end up being in a loveless relationship and bitter.

Because it you, don't have that sexually fire with this person and you have not had a problem with you past partners in the sexual dept. And have been to your doctor (if this is the case then it's no ones fault) but it you M.D. says it's in your head not a medical problem...

So bottom line...If you're truely not happy and avoid sex with your mate and they are the ones always asking, wake-up your missing out on one of life's great pleasures...Life is to short to be sexually un-happy for both of you !!

Men & women do experience a decrease in their level of testosterone as they grow older. This is the main reason for a decreased sex drive.

As a women grows older and lose the fear of pregnancy or if a women is trying to get pregant, she grow more comfortable expressing their sexuality, they often desire more sex, which is good for their mates.

Just as a young man wants his partner to be energetic and enthusiastic regarding his sexual needs, the same holds true as a couple ages.

This is what makes a good relationship when both partners care enough about each other to sacrificially serve each other and meet each others needs.

If this is not the case for you or your mate, and one of you is pretending to enjoying sexual moments with each other. Or if one of you has to (fakes it) or has have to use other means to do the act of making love to hide your real feelings from your partner, then you need to start asking yourself this question don't put it off!

Is your partner sexually satisfied?

Are you sexually satified?

Do you/both of you feel comfortable sharing with each other your needs and desires?

Are both of you willing to meet each others needs even if you don't understand them or share them and be honest about it with each out leaving nothing out on how you both feel and do what ever it takes to make your love-life have spark?

Are you or your partner willing to change if necessary and follow thru even if you don't like doing what they ask of you?

Are you both willing to be honest with yourself and each other?

If you have tryed one or all of the above or you can't be honest with your partner for one reason or another one, you don't see you two working out much longer. Then be honest with your partner or each other is the best way to go for both of you in the end.

Let go move on......

This is the only way both of you will ever be happy, give each other the gift of honesty don't put it off it will only hurt more if you put it off.

Both of you should be allowed to be able to find someone that makes each of you feel good sexually.

One of you is holding on in fear of hurting the other?

Your hurting them and yourself more by having this lie between the two of you, when we hide a problem like this it just makes more problems then everything only get worse.

Your robbing your partner & yourself of the chance to find someone that does make each of you happy, who has the same sexual pleasure connetion with them/you.

We need to honestly with our selfs and our partners, evaluate our attitudes toward sex -past/present/the rest of our live's .

The eighty-something year old couple, I spoke about in the beginning of this....Reminds us, this issue is going to be around for a while.

It's either going to bring us together or keep us apart. And ultimately it will either fulfill us or frustrate us.

Take this issue seriously and work to make sure sex is as important in your life as it should be."

Sexual positions

" - Positions on Missionary -

It’s criminal to outlaw great sex, but several states still have long forgotten laws on the books that do just that. Alabama, Arizona, Florida, Idaho, Kansas, Louisiana, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Mississippi, Georgia, North and South Carolina, Oklahoma, Oregon, Rhode Island, Utah, Virginia and Washington, D.C., consider giving or receiving oral sex a crime.

If you live in Georgia and are convicted of oral sex, you could be sentenced from one to 20 years in prison -- that’s pretty harsh.

Several states also make it illegal to have sex in any position other than missionary.

Well guess I'm going to HELL ..!!"

"Friends With Benefits - Sex"

"- Sleeping With Friends: The Damage it will Do -

There is a curious sub-set of friendship that seems to have become popular of late. It's called friends with benefits. It means, - you're just my buddy, and I'm not really interested in you romantically (or frankly, even attracted to you), but on those occasions when we get really sloshed, or we both end up alone (but together) on a Saturday night, we can boink our brains out and not be weirded out in the morning.


I'm sorry, but I just think it's a cheap cop-out. And what's more, it demeans the friendship, not to mention potential romance. It's like having an escort service you don't have to tip.


And here's a point of view that's going to piss some folks off: I think shagging with any old friend or acquaintance just for the heck of it kind of goes against nature. Here's why:


From an ...Anthropological..Standpoint, our species evolved around long gestation of offspring, and helplessness at birth - (according to Bill Bryson) in..A Short History of Nearly Everything, when our prehistoric precursors developed a pelvis sturdy enough to allow them to walk upright, it also resulted in a comparatively small birth canal, which meant to fit through it, babies would have to be born with small brains and little ability to be self-sufficient. As a result, infants required long-term care, which implies solid male-female bonding. After all, someone has to be getting the food if someone else is staying back at the cave with the kid.



So what does this mean? It means whatever your religious or cultural beliefs, our species was designed to pair up , make babies and stick together to raise them. Messing around for sport serves no particular anthropological need. Although it is fun.


But it's not what we're wired for, really. Deep in our bones, when we have sex, it means something. In our most ancient, primeval memory, it's part of bonding and procreation. It's what we are meant to do.


So as a result, I think there are two things wrong with - friends with benefits:


1. It's really, really hard to stop yourself from having feelings of belonging or (possession) about people you've slept with (more than once). Even the coldest Don Juan is going to feel some sort of privileges or power over a woman he's been with multiple times. And I think for women, it's even more so. We find it even more difficult to detach our hearts from our southern hemispheres.


A one-night stand is one thing. When the planets are properly (or improperly) aligned, stuff happens. Things seem like a great idea. A couple of cocktails with a shot of moonlight and a slow-dance chaser, and the next thing you know, your underpants are inside - OUT!!



But if you keep dipping into the same well again and again, you're bound to feel some ownership or sense of belonging. It can't help but change the friendship. It will either develop into something more (whether you want it or not) or one of you will feel hurt or strange when the other embarks on a -REAL ...Romantic relationship. The chances of two people being able to balance a perfect equilibrium of neutrality are slim indeed. If you both insist it's truly a friendship -- with extras -- I have a sneaking suspicion someone (or two?) is either feeling a lot more, or a lot less, than willing to admit.


2. Relegating intimate sexual contact to just -- benefits -- cheapens and degrades a most wondrous form of expression. If it's --JUST - SEX -- with one person, how do you flip the switch and turn it into something more with another?

And why turn your great friend into a convenience?

Don't you value the friendship more than that?

Or the person?

You say you care about each other as friends, but obviously not enough to make a real commitment -- or worse yet, be seen together in public as a couple. But when you're stuck together watching some lousy rerun on Showtime, you'll go at it like rabbits. What a deal. You don't have to pay for a date, worry about calling the next day or even dressing up.

I know it's not a perfect world, but in a perfect world, sexual intimacy is an expression of love and caring between two people, and just one part of a deep, respectful relationship. I also know that very often it isn't the case. But the closer you get to that goal (on a consistent basis), the happier you will be. On the banquet table of life, trying to make sex just one a la carte selection with a friend or passing acquaintance may seem appetizing, but it won't quell your hunger long term.


In my opinion, casual sex with friends is the doughnut of romance. You may think it's tasty now, but you'll pay for it later...

Myself, I have always said once you have sex with someone no matter who they are. It changes, how you and, that person feels about each other..Least in my mind your no longer friends...Sexual bonding reguires a feeling to do this act!! (least for me) -- You've moved to the next step with them....Lovers!! "